One of the things that I have always had the most trouble with is definitely the concept of patience. Even when I was young, once a decision was made, I was “well, let’s just get on with it then, shall we” type.

I have always had this idea that, one day, id be running the show somewhere. Without being gross, I think I am pretty smart and that my critical thinking skills are top notch. Pair this with my tenacity/impatience.. that screams leadership and successful to me. No matter where I landed, I was always thinking about more. What’s next, where do I go from here?

Over the last year, I have been slowly forced to change my mindset. I no longer have a fountain of renewable optimism that I can do anything. I recognize that brain fog has made me less sharp in some ways. That has been one of the most humbling things about chronic illness. I don’t want strangers to think I am sick, sure. But I really don’t want them to think I am dumb. A lot of my positive self image is wrapped up in being quite clever. Solving problems. Finding ways to work smarter, not harder.

Luckily I have a job that has allowed me to truly not really worry about it. In the heights of brain fog and physical discomfort, I can basically do it on autopilot without too many negative consequences. My manager, who is fucking amazing and supportive, keeps asking me where I want to go, what roles I want to move into, etc.

Year and a half ago me would be overjoyed by the fact that my usefulness is being recognized. Me, today? I just want to coast a bit more until I figure out what the new normal looks like. I don’t want to have to have a doctor’s appointment every month and half with my rheumatologist, cardiologist, immunologist, endocrinologist and GP. Sadly, I am not there yet.

I am starting to wonder if maybe the best course of action is to be the best at what I do right now, and set a new standard for that. Can I feel successful in that?

It’s hard to say, but I guess I will find out.